What I feel

Some people meditate. Some people listen to music. Some people write. Well I do all three to help try to balance my life. When I’m scared or fear something I shut down and build this fort around my heart. I listen to my heart way too much at times but then sometimes I listen to my mind way to much  and right now my mind is going all over the place. My heart is fighting to try to balance but that mind of mine just things back of all the times I have been like this before and reminds me that I just run away. I have been at the this point of my life before. I have made promises to myself that I didn't keep because the fact is I never solved the issue. I never fully went through the steps I needed to go through. I just put a band aid over the boo boo and hurt and just said fuck the world for about month. Then I was back to my normal self. Well this time isn't harder because I have so much pinned up emotions that I'm likely to explode any minute and I don't want to explode. This will be the toughest time of my life. Dealing with money issues then on top of that I'm dealing with emotionally issues as well. I've had some fucked up dream this morning that made me realize that I'm the only one fighting me. I'm the only one making a big issue out of what. I'm not wanting to solve the issue because I fear that if I really change my world around me won't change. I fear that once I change then everything will so different and I don't want things to change too much. I'm at a point in my life where I'm really thinking everything and constantly questioning myself and the people I love about there true feelings towards me. I push and I push people that I love to the side when I get like this then it's a battle later because I don't know how to bring them back into my world. Which is probably why I didn't have much dating experience growing up. Technically I just didn't know how to handle differences. I didn't and still don't to a certain degree understand how to handle when someone is different than me and things don't go my way. When I get scared I shelter myself and push everyone back. I go forward but I always end up back to this point. What makes this time different is that I have 2 daughters that I have to set examples for. I fear that I won't be able to set good examples but then at the same time I look forward to helping them make better decisions that I made. Life is so tricky at times. Right when you think everything is figured out something happens to test your theory or to just test you as a person. Over the years I have tested and tested myself. I feel like I have failed but when I look at the over all picture, I have the tools to do what I need I just need the motivation to keep working towards that goal of balancing life to a point where I can say I'm a stronger woman for that. I have passive parents so I didn't get any aggressiveness at all. I had parents that most of the time didn't express their feelings. Yet I write poems that express my feelings. A lot of what I'm going through I made and some of it is childhood made. Hopefully because I want to be different my daughters won't be so passive. They will have balance and the tools at an early age.