Living through myself

In life I have always had challenges with my self esteem. I always thought the world just was against me being happy. When I finally found true happiness I still questioned was it true happiness. And through my life when it truly started I have been still finding my happiness. I question my husband about things because I believe that this happiness isn't going to last. Even though my parents are still married. They have been married for 29 years and together for about 35 years. I wanted their love and happiness. I have found that happiness, but why must I question if this is the it. I haven't been the best wife. I have my faults and I have my mistakes. The worst mistake was not continuing to find myself and to make myself happy. Instead I want my husband to make me happy. But in reality if I'm not happy with myself how in the hell will I be happy with my husband. I love my husband with all my heart and I do feel happy with him. There are times that I feel like maybe I'm doing what I need too as a wife. But I shouldn't question him I need to question myself and see what I'm doing for me. I have been married for 6 years now. I never thought I would get married. I never thought I would find someone to challenge me and love me for me. So now I must search within and leave the other stuff alone. Which I can see now that social media has not helped our life. But I guess I just have to trust in what we have built through the years together. I have two girls that I want to be able to be strong and be them. I can't do that if I don't have myself together. I can't do that if I'm second guessing things. My mom never talked to me about love. About being happy. About doing things for me. I promised myself that I would teach my girls all of this and more. This is the first step for me that I have to finish. I have started this journey before but I have stopped because I was like I'm better. How am I going to get better. Well first I have to be truthful to myself. There are two books that have always helped me get through this time in life. One is "Life Strategies" by Dr. Phil. I love this book. I have the book and workbook and when I need to do things like this I always refer back to this book. The other book is "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up!" by Iyanla Vanzant. These two books have me thinking about myself in more ways then I ever thought. So now I have to go back to these books. I hope that this journey will be my last like this. About me questioning myself and my marriage.

What I feel

Some people meditate. Some people listen to music. Some people write. Well I do all three to help try to balance my life. When I’m scared or fear something I shut down and build this fort around my heart. I listen to my heart way too much at times but then sometimes I listen to my mind way to much  and right now my mind is going all over the place. My heart is fighting to try to balance but that mind of mine just things back of all the times I have been like this before and reminds me that I just run away. I have been at the this point of my life before. I have made promises to myself that I didn't keep because the fact is I never solved the issue. I never fully went through the steps I needed to go through. I just put a band aid over the boo boo and hurt and just said fuck the world for about month. Then I was back to my normal self. Well this time isn't harder because I have so much pinned up emotions that I'm likely to explode any minute and I don't want to explode. This will be the toughest time of my life. Dealing with money issues then on top of that I'm dealing with emotionally issues as well. I've had some fucked up dream this morning that made me realize that I'm the only one fighting me. I'm the only one making a big issue out of what. I'm not wanting to solve the issue because I fear that if I really change my world around me won't change. I fear that once I change then everything will so different and I don't want things to change too much. I'm at a point in my life where I'm really thinking everything and constantly questioning myself and the people I love about there true feelings towards me. I push and I push people that I love to the side when I get like this then it's a battle later because I don't know how to bring them back into my world. Which is probably why I didn't have much dating experience growing up. Technically I just didn't know how to handle differences. I didn't and still don't to a certain degree understand how to handle when someone is different than me and things don't go my way. When I get scared I shelter myself and push everyone back. I go forward but I always end up back to this point. What makes this time different is that I have 2 daughters that I have to set examples for. I fear that I won't be able to set good examples but then at the same time I look forward to helping them make better decisions that I made. Life is so tricky at times. Right when you think everything is figured out something happens to test your theory or to just test you as a person. Over the years I have tested and tested myself. I feel like I have failed but when I look at the over all picture, I have the tools to do what I need I just need the motivation to keep working towards that goal of balancing life to a point where I can say I'm a stronger woman for that. I have passive parents so I didn't get any aggressiveness at all. I had parents that most of the time didn't express their feelings. Yet I write poems that express my feelings. A lot of what I'm going through I made and some of it is childhood made. Hopefully because I want to be different my daughters won't be so passive. They will have balance and the tools at an early age.

A new life has begun

Life has always been something I have been able to change and just understand. Today I realized that maybe I'm trying to live a lie. Or was my childhood all a lie. In life so much we just take from what we knew as life, and do the same with our family or change because of our childhood. I feel like I had a pretty good childhood. It wasn't the worst and it wasn't the best. Now that I have my own family, I know there are some good things that I want to keep and there are several things I want to just change. Today it seems like maybe I have to look at life differently. Like what I thought was a good life was actually a lie. I love my parents and siblings but I feel so different from them. I feel like maybe I'm just not like them at all. Then I look at my life and wonder do I really want my girls to do the same thing I did. I have so many dreams of what I want my family to be and do. What mother doesn't think big for her children. But know I wonder if my dreams are too big. I wonder if my definition of love is true or is it a lie. I wonder if my life is really a lie. Or maybe its time to change the way my eyes see life. I have lately been dreaming of moving away from my parents. Before I met my husband I felt so independent. I was living 5 hours away from my parents. For once in my life it was just me. It didn't matter what anyone else said, I could do for me. Yes, I was homesick a little I'm a family person and I take my family to heart. Maybe I take them a little bit too much to heart. I will do anything for family, in return I expect nothing but lately it seems I feel more and more just alone in life. When I moved back closer to my parents but now I was in a serious relationship with my husband, I started seeing things differently and didn't know how to take it. I knew what I had learned about myself, but I wasn't the same little girl that my parents knew. I had grown and was liking things that I wasn't exposed to at all. I would try things and just feel free. Now that I have my own family I wonder if being closer to my parents has restricted me to actually be free and for me to be myself. I know it might sound silly. But I really want to move away from my parents just so that maybe I can gain my independence back. I cherish my parents and I love my parents. But as an adult now I think maybe I have outgrown my parents. I know I have outgrown my parents. I'm a different generation, but at the same time I want to hear "I'm proud of you" from my parents. I look forward in hearing that, yet I haven't been told that. It's always "you can do better". Really! Really! yet I have a sister who is constantly thinking she has to compete with the little stuff like saying I got a better card for daddy. Really! Really! I'm so done with not being able to do things, yet I still sit and think am I really doing what I need to do. Am I at the point in life where I need to make some drastic changes in my own life. I've come a long way from the little depressed girl writing poetry in her room. I'm an adult and yet I still feel like that little girl in the corner just wanting for someone to save her. I want to be saved. I want to be better than what I am. I want to be better for my girls. I don't want my girls to have to go through what I have gone through. Maybe one day soon I will be able to leave to rest that little girl in the corner. Maybe one day soon I will be able to say I have accomplish a big dream.

Day 1 of the Journey begins

Welcome to my world. A world that has so much in and not enough going out. The real world as I call it. I'm a person that has big dreams, even if it seems that my big dreams won't come true. I still must believe they will one day. I'm realistic to the fact I understand that my country is changing. All everyone wants to hear is the success stories. Oh I love the success stories too, they give me inspiration that I can be successful. But do they apply to everyone. What might helped one mother be successful in potty training might not help another mother be successful in potty training. WE don't see that, we see oh they did it why can't I do the same. Well in my family we have kept  everything real and just there. I have a wonderful husband who we communicate a lot of truth to each other. Right now I'm on a worry binge because we are really just living pay check to pay check. And still not able it seems to catch up. We catch up and then we fall right back behind. Yes truthfully it would be better without  our children, but we have 2 little girls that we must feed, provide shelter, and clothes for. Yes many Americans get on government assistance, but we make too much money. How in the world do we make too much money, but yet some weeks we don't know what we might eat or if we will be able to pay the bills that we need to provide for our children. I know some are thinking just cut something of the major things you have. Well we have done that, is it terrible that I want to live a decent house. I really want to move to save money, but when your credit isn't the best and you don't have enough to money to do the deposit and first month rent. Where is the help for Americans like us.  I know we aren't the only Americans that have this issue. I know we make seem to make enough money, but when you have bills and children sometimes the money isn't enough. I have tried to find another job, but with my full time job it doesn't give me that much time to have another job. This is real in America and it's hurting our future, because I don't think of myself as someone that is bad. But I have made bad money choices and I'm willing to accept that. I don't think I should be punished or hurt my family because I made a couple of bad choices in the past. We are working so hard to catch up on past bills and make current bills work. Still I can't sleep because I worry so much about what I can't control. I can't just get a loan to help out. I can't get any state or government assistance to help put food on my table or help pay for day care cost or even just help paying on rent. Because I work and make too much money as they say. Really so I get punished for going to work early and leaving work late to try to help these little brains become productive citizens in this world. That is real. I have dreams of having a house of our own. Right now my dreams are just to make it and be able to pay bills, put food on the table, and gas in our cars so that we can go to work to make more money.